


Idiocracy

by Dominique_Icefall



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Katekyou Hitman Reborn!, Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler, One Piece
Genre: Implied/Referenced Underage Prostitution, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Prostitution, Spies & Secret Agents
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2020-06-30 07:10:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19848139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dominique_Icefall/pseuds/Dominique_Icefall
Summary: Uni, the Mafia Heiress. Winry, the Automail mechanic. Edward and Alphonse, the alchemists. Ciel, Alois, and Elizabeth, the Nobility.Being dropped into an unfamiliar world by a group of bored gods, they make the best of what they've got.Unfortunately, no one else was prepared.





	1. Seven Snatched Souls

Uni was annoyed. She was one of seven unfortunate souls the Gods decided to mess with. This whole thing was annoying! The curse had just been broken and she’d been adapting to life with her friends and family. Now, here she was standing with six other people while the Gods gambled on their fates.

“I present, the soul of Uni Giglio Nero. She posses the Flames of Harmony, and the gift of Foresight.” One god said, proudly showing her off to the three other gods present. There were two other gods with souls with them waiting to present them to the fourth god. What was going on? Was her soul being gifted from one god to another? Why?

“If you’re introducing those Soul Flames into my world, it’s only fair if the other souls have that ability.” the other god said. “There are plenty of lost or forgotten abilities in my world though…”

Uni wished she had names for these gods. 

“I’ve modified the soul flame, she can flame-bond to people without them having flames themselves.” 

“How interesting!” The god said. “I know just where to have her be born as well!”

With a snap of his fingers, the god sent her away. Uni vowed to be as much of an atheist as possible in this life.

* * *

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Ed said glaring at Truth. The abstract concept of a god just laughed at him.

“Your brother’s going to get his body back.” Truth said. “Isn’t that what you wanted most?”

Ed was frustrated. They’d been in the middle of something kinda important when Truth showed up. Whatever it was Truth did hadn’t affected what they’d been doing. Ed vaguely recalls seeing his body moving without him in it.

“Truth?” Winry squeaked. “Like...the alchemy god or something?”

“Yeah, something like that,” Ed said. 

“Looks like it's my turn,” Truth said, as the other soul ‘Uni’ was sent away. “Who to introduce first…”

“Here, this is Edward Elric. He’s an alchemist who went through my gate.” Truth said. “He’s smart.”

Ed wasn’t sure how he felt about Truth’s half-assed introduction. He decided to be angry. Truth was an asshole.

“Alchemy huh?” The god said. 

“Yep. And this is Alphonse Elric, the brother. And Winry Rockbell the Automail Mechanic.” Truth said.

“I see.” The god nodded. 

“What is it?” Al asked. “What’s going on?”

“I don’t know,” Winry said. “I just wanna go back to my workroom.”

Ed glared at the gods. He had a bad feeling about all of this. The god snapped. The trio disappeared as Truth laughed at them again. Fucking asshole.

* * *

Ciel was unimpressed with the gods. Alois was hanging over his shoulders and Lizzy was curled into his side. The two blondes were eyeing their new circumstances with critical eyes. Ciel just wished he knew why his demon contract was gone. 

“I present Earl Ciel Phantomhive, Earl Alois Trancy, and Lady Elizabeth Ethel Cordelia Midford.” the god said, presenting them to the other god. “I’ve removed them from their supernatural ties, but they are still quite interesting souls. For humans at least.”

“Titles? Well, I haven’t sent anyone to be Nobility from this batch yet…” 

And then the god snaped. Ciel wondered if, whenever the gods sent them back to their own world if he could have Sebastion kill a god. It was something for him to consider at least.


	2. That Escalated Quickly

Uni woke up in the brig of a ship. There were several other people there with her. Adults, children, teenagers. Not all of them were human though, and Uni tried to smile at the little fish-like boy next to her. 

“Are you alright miss?” he asked.

“As much as I can be,” Uni said. She was really hungry and cold, and with every breath she took she counted her injuries. No broken bones, luckily, but her ribs were sore and she could feel a bruise on her back that was too close to her spine to be comforting. 

She took another breath and released it. A new world, new life, same despicable crimes. The was a slaver’s ship. It was unfortunate for the slavers then, because Uni D. Giglio Nero was no one’s slave.

It was easy, if a headache in her weakened state, to cast her sight towards the future. One blink, she was in the brig of a slaver’s ship. Another and-

_ “Luffy! I’m so happy you made it,” Uni said, hugging the pirate captain.  _

_ “Your dream is coming true Uni, why wouldn’t I be here?” Luffy asked. _

_ “I don’t know, maybe there’s a better adventure out there for the Pirate King.” _

_ “No better adventure than friendship.” _

_ “My coronation isn’t until tomorrow,” Uni smiled. “How about your crew joins mine for some food?” _

_ “MEAT!” _

Uni blinked. Well, she makes some friends in the future at least. A dream, a coronation, what does she want to do with her life? One of her friends might become the Pirate King...and she doesn’t like how the World Government is run. Queen of the World Government? She’ll need to come up with a better title than that. Let’s see, going against the current regime will make her a Pirate. Since she’s going to be Queen, she’ll have to be Captain too. She’ll need a crew and a name for her crew. Uni D. Giglio Nero Queen of the United Kingdom of Vongola? Sounds a bit better...but she’ll keep thinking on it. If a better title comes around then she’ll consider it. The Vongola Pirates, Uni giggled. She’s sure her Tsu-nii would approve, but maybe she could make it the Arcobaleno Kingdom or something. Uni D. Giglio Nero, Queen of the Arcobaleno Kingdom. Captain of the Acrobaleno pirates. 

The door to the brig opened, and the other captives scrambled against the walls. Uni pushed herself to her feet, bracing herself against the wall. Three vaguely familiar people walked into the room, the dark-haired boy in the middle smirked as he met her eyes.

“On my right is Earl Trancy.” the dark-haired boy introduced. “On my left is Lady Midford.”

“Princess of Arcobaleno.” She said, with a shaky curtsy. If she was going to be royalty, might as well start now. Besides, being a princess is every little girl’s dream right?

“Your orders then Princess?” the dark-haired boy asked.

“Please take over the ship, then find our other allies,” Uni said. If the other souls were sent to this world as well, then it would be best to see if they want to help her take over the world. 

“As you command Princess,” He and the blond Earl bowed, while the Lady Midford curtsied. 

Casting her sight forward, Uni smiled. 

_ She sat on the railing, her small crew enjoying life on the sea. She loved each and every single one of them, and she hoped they cared about her too.  _

* * *

Taking over the slaver’s ship was pitifully easy. Alois lobed the captain's head off, Lizzy cheerfully terrorized the crew into submission, and then the kidnapped Princess let the captives out of the brig. 

“Lizzy,” Ciel said, getting his betrothed's attention. “Help the Princess find a better dress.” 

“I’ll make sure she’s cute!” Lizzy said, sheathing her swords before making her way to the Princess. 

“What plans are twisting around in that head of yours Ciel?” Alois asked, standing next to him. They watched as the crew kept the ship running, and eyed Alois’ blood sword with fear. 

“I plan on swearing fealty to Princess Acrobaleno. I suspect Lizzy will follow suit and do the same.”

“Do you know why your other self was on this slaver’s ship?”

“I do,” Ciel said. “But whoever that was is not the kind of person I want to be.”

“I’ll swear fealty to the Princess as well. This world will be much more fun than our last one.”

* * *

Lizzy finds her maid, Paula, in the Ladies’ cabin. The woman had been a slave before Lizzy woke up in this world. Her parents, who’d brought her and her half brother onto this ship for an unnecessary ego boost, were dead by Lizzy’s own hand. The slave collar removed and her half-brother retrieved from the Captian’s cabin before they went to find Ciel, who she knew came onto the ship with them for much the same reason. 

Whoever lived this life before her, Lizzy did not care. That was not her, and that was it.

“Paula,” Lizzy said, the brown-eyed woman was still dazed from all the changes happening today but she turned to face Lizzy anyway. “We need to get the Princess cleaned up and dressed into one of my outfits.”

“Yes Master,” Paula said.

“I’m not your Master,” Lizzy said with a shake of her head. “I don’t consider you a slave, mine or anyone else’s. A servant, a friend, but never a slave.”

Lizzy opened her trunk to find a dress, a lot of them were ugly things and would be tossed at the next island, but there were a few in there she liked. She’d wear a red dress, and the white dress would go to the Princess. Decision made, she searched for all the bits and pieces fumbling around until Paula came closer to help. 

“Let’s go take a bath Princess!” Lizzy said, carefully holding the younger girl’s thin wrist. “We’ll be at sea for a while, so we have plenty of time for a few important ceremonies. First, you’ll introduce yourself to everyone on the ship. Then Ciel, as the highest-ranking Earl, will make his oath. I’ll make my oath second because I’m betrothed to Ciel and if we’re not following the same Monarch then there is no betrothal. Then Alois will make his oath, and then we’ll be the first members of your Court.”

The Princess nodded, a happy smile on her face. The two walked towards the bath, where Paula had hung their dresses up on a hanger for easy access afterward. 

“My name is Elizabeth.” She said. “But you can call me Lizzy.”

“Uni.” The princess said.

“We’re going to be best friends!”

* * *

Paula had never expected her life to change so completely in a single day. The Master’s daughter went to sleep as an entitled arrogant brat with too much-inherited authority and woke up a kind-hearted entitled brat with morals. 

Of course, Paula only realized that after the blonde had left in search of her betrothed. She wasn’t ashamed to say she laughed at the sight of her Masters' corpses. She’d cried when she couldn’t feel her slave collar anymore, and she’d been so confused. 

Now she was helping the young lady bathe, and listening to her and a kidnapped Princess discuss plans for world domination. 

“So we’ll be pirates for a while,” Elizabeth said. “Ciel’s much batter at plans than I am, but I’m sure we can figure out what to do with everyone on the ship.”

“We’ll need fighters, and cooks.” the Princess said. “And people who know how to navigate and everything…”

“A pirate ship captained by a-”

“I'm six years old.”

“By a six-year-old. Ciel and I are eight, and Alois is nine. I wonder how old the other three are?”

“Wouldn’t surprise me if they’re around our ages too.”

Paula helped the two girls get dressed, and listened quietly as Elizabeth explained the ceremony they’d be improvizing on the deck. 

She never thought her life could change so much in a single day, but Paula knew she wasn’t going to regret it. Staying with Lady Elizabeth and her pirate crew, aiding her in taking over the world, well, it was probably going to be the best decision of her life.

* * *

“I am Uni D. Giglio Nero, Princess Arcobaleno and Captain of the Arcobaleno Pirates,” she said. “I solemnly promise and swear to govern the Peoples of the Arcobaleno Kingdom and of my Possessions and the other Territories to any of them belonging or pertaining, according to their respective laws and customs. I Will to my power cause Law and Justice, in Mercy, to be executed in all my judgments. I Will to the utmost of my power maintain in the Acrobaleno Kingdom the Faith of Sky and Earth as established by law. The things which I have here before promised, I will perform and keep this I swear on my soul.”

A bright orange flame came to life in her hands. A wave of  _ love-promise-hope _ rushed through everyone on the ship. No one doubted her sincerity.

Ciel stepped forward, his cane in hand. Everyone watched as the boy placed his cane on the floor by the Princess’ feet before he knelt and held his hands palm-to-palm upraised to her. She clasped his hands between hers.

“ I, Ciel Phantomhive Earl of Phantomhive, do promise on my faith that I will in the future be faithful to the Princess Uni of Acrobaleno, never cause her harm and will observe my homage to her completely against all persons in good faith and without deceit.”

“I, Princess Uni of Acrobaleno, accept your Oath and do so swear to defend and honor you Earl Ciel Phantomhive of the Acrobaleno Kingdom.” She picked up his cane. “Rise and receive your weapon to serve and defend me well.”

Ciel stood up and received his cane from her. He moved to stand behind her on her right as Elizabeth stepped forward. 

* * *

Joe wasn’t sure how often in life he’d get the chance to witness the last Princess of a more-than-likely dead Kingdom receive the loyalty of three more-than-likely former Celestial Dragon Nobles. They’d completely overthrown the people in charge, killed their parents, the captain, and the first mate. They released the captives, and then the Ceremony where the last of Phantomhive and Trancy pledged themselves to the Princess of the Arcobaleno Kingdom, and the Midford’s only daughter did the same. 

And the Princess said she was a Pirate Captain. Well, that her Kingdom was currently only her Pirate Crew, but she clearly had plans to expand. If the World Government took away her Kingdom, it made sense that she’d want to take their Kingdom from the World Government. 

“She’s got every single one of them wrapped around her finger,” Henry said. “What do we tell Dragon?”

“The truth of course,” Joe said. “An unexpected Ally has appeared but we’ll keep an eye on her.”

“A pirate captain...but she’s just a kid.”

“All the more reason to keep an eye on her. I have a feeling she’s going to be a wildcard.”

What kind of monster are you, Uni D. Giglio Nero? And what chaos will you bring to the world?


	3. Banaro Island

Originally, the crew had thirty-six members, there had been eight passengers, three slaves, and one hundred captives. Uni looked over the personnel log, chewing on her bottom lip with a frown. Half of the captives were dead long before she and her new friends woke up on this ship. One of the slaves had been pushed overboard, and another had their head blown off, both also happened before their awakening. Of the eight official passengers, only three were still alive and of the original thirty-six person crew, five were now dead. 

So, that left her with a partially capable crew of thirty-one, less than fifty recovering captives in need of medical care, and three Nobility currently preparing to make themselves useful to her. Alois was off on the island looking to start his information network, Ciel was playing mind games with the people in charge of the island, and Lizzy was doing Lizzy things. 

Uni was glad someone sent a few Doctors from the island to their ship though, that was kind of them.

"How do you feel?" Doctor Kade asked.

"With or without my Flame?" Uni asked.

"Ah... without?"

Uni had taken to letting her sky flames fill every gap inside herself. Like water, she let her flames flow freely inside of her undisturbed until they were needed. It also meant her flames were in constant use because she wasn't hiding then away in her soul but projecting within herself. She was slowly building up her spiritual strength, and she hoped she could manifest flame wings or even walk on water one day. 

Releasing her flames from where they flowed under her skin, Uni let them leak into her office. It didn't take long for the room to feel like home. It still looked professional, she hadn't been able to personalize it yet and the previous captain had been a minimalist, but the air sang with  _ kindness-forgiveness-peace _ and she smiled. Her flames were a part of her soul. They could not lie. 

"I have a mild headache, a few aches in my limbs, and the bruise on my back doesn't feel like it's been healing right," Uni said. "I’ve been attempting to heal myself, but my flame healing is slow.”

“I’ll have to do an examination.” The doctor said. “And see how those flames affect your medical state.”

“Very well,” Uni said. “But I’ve got my paperwork to do as well.”

Doctor Kade began the medical exam while Uni worked through her paperwork. 

* * *

Some things were just meant to be, Alois thought. A few kind words, a corrupt whorehouse mother, and a beheading later, saw the blond taking over the first weave of his information web. 

He jumped up onto his new desk with a grin, turning around to face the young women before he sat. His legs hanging over the edge, ankles crossed. The twelve whores who now worked for him were shooting each other confused glances. Each one just as nervous about having a new boss as the others.

“Now, my dears, there’s going to be a few changes here,” Alois said. “Oh, there’s no need to fear. These are good changes. You’re all such beautiful women, but you have so much potential as well. You can leave, of course, find a new job out there in the world. Leave now and I won’t stop you. But you could stay here. Learn to be more than just some rich man’s toy. I can teach you if you stay.”

None of them left. Alois was so happy.

“You might want to sit down,” he said. “Your first lesson begins now.”

* * *

Banaro was a very peaceful country Ciel thought, as he escorted Lizzy through the shopping district. Cows, horses, and farms made up the majority of the economy of the island. The island had two mayors whose families had been in charge so long it became their names. Mr. West was a balding old man with a wife and three children. His youngest son was the town’s Sheriff, his daughter wasn’t a spoken of, and his eldest son was going to become mayor in a few months. On the other side, there’s Mrs. Eastern. She’s just turned twenty, is married and is expecting her first child in a few more months. 

“Oh, that looks like fun,” Lizzy said, looking at the photos on the wall. “Look, Ciel, aren’t they so cute?”

Ciel glanced at the photo’s Lizzy was fawning over and tapped his fingers against the head of his cane. A horse-drawn carriage service for weddings, festivals, and other ceremonial events.

“I think I’d like to have a carriage at our wedding.” She said. “It’d be romantic, don’t you think?”

“A carriage Elizabeth?” Ciel said. “If that is your wish.”

The blonde giggled, sliding her hand around his arm and resting her head on his shoulder. 

“It can be dark blue, with soft pinks and whites and nice large wheels-” 

* * *

Daisy hadn’t realized how hard living on her own was going to be. She didn’t like how suffocating her life was with her family, but the only job she managed to get when she left had been as a maid at Madam Betsy’s brothel. And then she turned fifteen and was old enough to be put to work as the other girls at Madam Betsy’s. 

For a while, it was...decent enough. Madam Betsy had favorites, of course, the girls who got more costumers, those who were visited by the wealthier folks, or those who were preferred by the visiting sailors. They got special treatment, and Daisy was okay with that. While the favorite girls were, supposedly, being pampered by Madam Betsy, Daisy got a lot of local visitors. They knew she was the Mayor’s runaway daughter. They also knew her Father had disowned her for running away. So, not only did they get to get their rocks off, but if they paid Madam Besty enough they could beat her while they did it. 

She hadn’t thought life could get worse for her. And she was right because she met a boy no older than ten and he changed everything.

“We are Spiders, my dears.” the boy said. “We weave a web of pretty little lies, and welcome inside our parlor our sweet little flies. We snare and trap and trick and leave not a trace behind. We see all that they wish to hide and make a nest in the skeletons they burry in their closets. We live on the pulse of life, and drain from their mindless lust all the truth they lie about.”

The boy, known to them only as Lord Spider, taught them as he said he would. He turned the Madam’s office into a report room. He taught them how to care for the Snails, and how to use them to contact him. He taught them how to get information from their customers. He taught them to prioritize their information and how to check if it was true. He taught them about sneaking around, about dressing and acting a part and blending in. He gave her a life as more than just another whore and she admired him so much. This boy who was less than half her age knew so much more about the world than she did and she vowed to do her best for him.

“Daisy dear,” Lord Spider said. “You’ll the Nest Mother won’t you?”

And she, who spent all week learning the terms he used in his network, learning about ranks and responsibilities and emergency situations and she beamed.

“Of course My Lord,” Daisy said. “Anything for you.”

He smiled, leaning forward he kissed her forehead.

“I’ll be in contact.”

* * *

Around lunch, Lizzy decided she wanted to try a bread bowl soup one of the store attendants told her about. 

“Oh, their playing card games,” Lizzy said, looking around the cafe. 

“Poker, and blackjack,” Ciel said. The table they sat at had a deck of cards, and Ciel smirked. “Would you like to play a game Elizabeth?” 

The game was called Écarté, and Ciel easily explained the rules to Lizzy as he set up the deck. All the cards numbered two to six were removed from the fifty-two-card deck, leaving a Piquet pack of thirty-two cards which rank from the lowest 7, 8, 9, 10, ace, knave, the queen than the king as the highest card. Ciel dealt the cards, two-two-three-three, so they each had five cards. Then the deck was put to the side, the top card flipped over, and the game began.

Lizzy played two games with Ciel before their lunch was served, and then three more games before one of the island people decided to challenge Ciel to a game. Most of the time, when he played against Lizzy, he spent most of the game teaching her how to play. How to see the rules and the game and the possibilities from not just her own perspective but from her opponents as well. Until she understood the rules of the game as thoroughly as he did, he never played her as an opponent. It was still a game, fun and everything, but he didn’t see her as a challenger when he was teaching her. 

But this balding guy, cigar in his mouth and patronizing humor in his eyes? He issued a challenge, and Ciel wasn’t one to back down easily.

“What’s your game?” Ciel asked, already gathering up the cards. 

“Poker. Join us at the corner table kid, let’s see how long your confidence lasts.”

Ciel stood, leaving the deck of cards on their table as he grabbed his cane. Lizzy followed, excitement in her step. This was going to be so much fun, she just knew it.

* * *

“Oh, it was horrible. Uni dear, the awful things men can do. Why my second husband ran off with a pirate captain shortly after we’d gotten married, and my third husband was a lying cheat.”

“But surely not all men are awful,” Uni said, before taking a sip of her tea. “You wouldn’t have married them if they were so bad, right Grandma Annie?”

“Oh, they were so sweet at first. Kind words and romance. But while that’s all right and good, a real woman needs a real man. Someone who’d fight a wilderbeast or herd the horses for her while she’s pregnant, and stand at her side. An equal. Not these cowardly two-face smocks.”

Uni nodded, snacking on the cookies Grandma Annie had set out on the table. Grandma Annie was the original owner of Grandma’s Diner, now owned by her grandson, and Uni had spent the day sitting outside with the old woman listening to her stories. 

“How do you figure out if someone’s your equal?” Uni asked. 

“You’ve gotta challenge them of course. Test their morals, their strength of will, shove them through a meat grinder and see if they're made of diamond or dirt. Don’t believe their wishy-washy claims until they prove themselves.”

“I don’t think I own a meat grinder, Grandma Annie,” Uni said. “But I think I get it.”

Uni’s tea and cookies were interrupted by Grandma Annie’s grandson nervously fidgeting at the patio gate.

“Gran...I ah...I might have ah…”

“Spit it out, boy.”

“Billy Joe and Mr. West were holding a Gambling day at Sally’s place and then Mrs. Eastern showed up and then bets were rising and then Sally’s brother bet on the deed for the restaurant and then everyone else started betting their deeds and-”

“What did you do Boy?”

“I bet the Diner's deed and I lost,” he said, but as Grandma started getting angry he rushed to add. “But, Gran, everyone lost. This kid, he owns the whole island now. It was terrifying!”

Uni took another bite of her cookie. Grandma Annie made good cookies, she’d have to ask for the recipe before she left.

“Look, Gran, that’s the kid who owns the island now.” Annie’s Grandson said, pointing at Ciel who was walking towards them. “What’s he doing now?”

Uni took a sip of her tea and wiped the crumbs off her face. He stood at her side, pulling a file out of his leather messenger bag.

“Your Royal Highness,” The Earl of Phantomhive said placing the folder on the table in front of her. “The Ownership of Banaro Island.”

Uni wasn’t sure how she imagined she’d start taking over the world, but not even half a month into this new life of hers and she already owns an Island. The first Island for her Kingdom...and she doesn’t know what she’s supposed to do with it.

“I’ll need to hold a ceremony won’t I?” Uni mused. “Where’s Lizzy? I’m going to need a new dress.”

* * *

The flag of the Acroblaneo Kingdom was dark blue, with an orange phoenix in the center, wrapped in a rainbow-colored scarf. The ceremony where Uni introduced herself to her the citizens of her new island, raised the Acroblaneo Flag and named one of her crew members, a former captive who wasn’t fit for sailing, as the Baron of Banaro Island went smoothly. 

“You’ve got the Den Den number,” Uni said, as her crew sorted themselves out behind her. “So you’ll call if you need us, and remember to listen to your doctors and everything.”

“Of course Your Highness,” said Lucas, the first Baron of Banaro Island of the Acrobaleno Kingdom.

Uni smiled, before she nodded turned around, and boarded her ship. She may have one Island for her Kingdom now, but there was still a whole lot of world to conquer. 

“Where to next Princess?” Alois asked as Uni reached into the drawer of log-poses. 

“This one says...Drum,” Uni said. “Hand it to the Navigators will you?”

“Of course!” The blond boy took the log pose and left her office with a skip.

“Drum Island…” Uni wondered what kind of island it was. Maybe they’d have music...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to have this chapter be about Ed, Al, and Winry...but when I wrote it out I realized I mentioned things that haven't happened to Ciel, Alois, Lizzy, and Uni yet, so...I don't even know. This idea of mine has started forming a life of its own...

**Author's Note:**

> Please feel free to suggest tags, I'm not exactly sure what I should be tagging but I'm trying really hard to make this make sense...I want it to be fun but not 'crack' even though some ideas I've got for this are pretty odd. Sorry if my characterization is off too, I'm working on it.


End file.
